Damn You (11/06)

Fool,
bastard,
what are you?
me,

Broken promises,
made with caution,
still broken,
no safe haven,

Failure,
middle name,
masochist,
glutton for punishment,

How much more,
pain,
do I want to endure?
how much more,

Self punishment,
fair enough,
but this time,
pain spread to someone else,

Somehow,
somewhere,
sometime,
must I give pain?

Thought enters,
sadist?
hiding behind,
masochistic mask,

Fool,
bastard,
what are you?
me,

Give me the pain not others! DAMN YOU!

Dancing Shadows (11/06)

Shadows,
soft light,
flowing,
tantalizing curves,

Erotic,
tempting,
desire,
burning loins,

Sensual movements,
gyrating hips,
full and supple,
womanly and firm,

Surreal,
incoherent whispers,
body language,
words lost,

Heavenly,
lithe,
alluring,
wild spirit,

Flashes,
a glimpse,
locked in my head,
passionate desire.

Turmoil Beneath (09/06)

Confusion,
curiousity,
concern,
clouds galore,

I don't know,
insane,
can't figure out,
whats going on,

I ask questions,
I step back,
it all eats,
away inside,

Why am I so worried?
why am I so concerned?
why am I so curious,
why am I like this!?

I can't change,
I have tried and failed,
I shall always be,
a pathetic fool,

Get out of my head!
you voice of concience,
allow me to be,
hard as stone!

Why can't I let it go?
why must I care!
why am I like this?
what is wrong with me,

Empathy,
for some hell is fire,
for me,
its being me,

Put on the mask,
again and again,
disguise myself,
hide,

Bury my emotions,
let the turmoil lay,
unseen,
but boiling like magma,

Once again,
I call on you,
chameleon,
give me the strength I need,

Let my questions be unanswered,
let my concern be tossed,
let it seem,
like I don't care!

Need an Outlet (09/06)

Anger,
welling up inside me,
despair,
sinking deeper within,

An ideal world,
has no such problems,
an ideal world,
is not what I live in,

Need an outlet,
what?
where?
cannot find,

Rage does not subside,
accumulated deposits,
blood beckons,
hands tingle,

Blood on walls,
a way to calm,
should I?
need I?

Need an out,
brain on fire,
nicotine no help,
reddening vision,

Despair,
anger,
pain,
rage,

Need an outlet,
what?
where?
HOW?

Existence of Delusion

This shall be my last post for a while.. the events that occur over the next few days shall decide whether this blog shall cease to exist or not.. for those of you who have taken the time to read my rantings, and hopefully have gained a deeper understanding of the thoughts we have, I thank you.. this is perhaps my most incoherent piece of writing so far.. I leave you to decide..

dagone sager

Burning Embers (08/06)

Sequences,
experiences,
words,
events,

Time takes its toll,
on mind,
body,
and soul,

Burning embers,
orange light,
end of a stick,
I inhale,

Words I hear,
thoughts,
run through my brain,
at the most inopportune moments,

Satisfaction,
flesh against flesh,
senses of touch,
momentary satisfaction,

The time has come,
I have sat and watched,
given hurt,
far too long,

If this is all,
extent of my abilities,
then I best refrain,
sink into oblivion,

Step away,
push away,
run away,
whatever it takes,

It is right,
once again,
it is time,
I need my mask,

The memories will remain,
always,
hidden,
treasured,

Am I wrong?
I may ask,
I cannot entertain,
implode if I must,

What comes to pass must pass.

Bury Me (08/06)

Here I am,
again,
turmoil and unrest,
wrack my brain,

Day by day,
I'm shot down,
day by day,
I'm torn,

Will it ever stop?
how much longer,
must I fight,
must I try,

I dream,
I hope,
impossible dreams,
impractical hopes,

I see no end,
every minute,
every second,
shattered,

Yet everytime,
this ragged mind,
imperfect soul,
dares to dream,

Leave me,
I am beaten,
I surrender,
admit defeat,

Release me,
doomed optimism,
scars of reality,
bury me.

Dreams (08/06)

Have you ever wondered what you were like 7 years ago? Your dreams, your wishes, your ideals? How many of us are still that person?

Have we lost the innocence of that age? The moral values we had, do we still abide to it? Are we the person today that we envisioned back then? So many questions....

The dreams, the dreams I had, the power to move mountains with my mind and will.. Do I still believe that? Do I still believe that the world is one big fantasy to be lived? Maybe I was delusional back then, oh but the dreams I made up in my mind, life was a dream back then, my mind an escape from reality... a place to be safe, where no one could harm me, where I alone could say, there is no rule but one rule, live and explore.. Where I could bring whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted.. I miss those dreams in my mind..

Do I still dream? Yes I do.. There was a time when I, disgusted with life, forced myself to stop dreaming.. and for a while I did succeed.. But that is not what I'm made of, the energy to plow through life, no matter how hard it is... Comes from my dreams..

And so, inadvertently, I began dreaming again.. And until today, I still dream.. but dreams are what I am.. Like the old me believed, dreams are reality..

But am I still the same? Sadly no, how many of us can say that we still uphold the same values, wishes, and dreams? I dreamt to be in the army, like James Bond 007, or some super great spy, or a superhero, and countless other ridiculous entities.. Ahh the dreams of the little kid.. Whose eyes are so full of light, the ignorance of the world that gives them bliss, the tiniest thing being the greatest reward.. I wish I could be like that again..

I wish I was the man that I envisioned myself to be, the man who had morals, a man who kept his values... Sadly I am not.. I have not followed my morals as I wished, I have given hurt even if it wasn't my goal.. Why? because I'm a flawed mortal.. Some things never changed, but some have.. Seven years ago I would have abhorred the thought of smoking.. Look at me now, even if I do not wish to admit it, and still have some solice in the fact that I am able to stay long periods without smoking, I have become a nicotine addict..

Ten years ago I thought people were all angels.. There was no bad in this world.. Funny right? Hehe, well ten years ago I was 14.. And as they say, ignorance is bliss.. I had no visions of betrayal, no thoughts of how someone may use me, no nightmares of heartbreak, no fears of losing my ideals, not an inkling of an idea of how harsh reality could be... And yet, now, ten years later, I've been through all that, and I no longer have the safety of my childhood ignorance...

I say not that this has all happened only to me, this is just one of those endless random thoughts that wander through my brain...

How many of us actually are the people we wanted to be? A very lucky few..

Why is it that the harshness of the world makes us forget our dreams? It shouldn't, nay we should hold on to them even tighter.. Why you may ask, why must we hold on to an ideal that will most probably never become a reality.. Why??? Because we CAN! We have a mind, we have wishes, we must dream.. who cares if they come to life or not? If we do not dream, we are nothing. If we do not dream, we cannot better ourselves, if we do not dream, then this life is worthless and with no color, pleasure or happiness..

If we do not dream, we are not living..

random thought (07/06)

life is a journey in which u have so many memories.. even the smallest one may seem unforgettable.. i still remember the day when i was about 7yrs old and my dad and me made breakfast.. so much time has passed since then.. its a simple little thing, not really the first or last time it happened, not really the most important.. but that day just stays stuck in my memory..

we make so many memories, both good and bad.. and time flies when its good, and drags when its bad.. but if i were not sad, i wouldn't know when i was happy.. if i hadn't experienced anger, i would not know fear...

its the little things that count in the end.. how many times have u walked into the house and smelled mom's cookin? just the smell lifts ur spirits.. how many times have u heard that special someone's voice on the phone and it made ur day? many times have u just sat down, leaned back and at that moment, everything seemed ok?? how many times...

everything happens for a reason, there's a lesson in every experience u have.. we have to learn from it... sometimes we may not realize or understand the reason for eons to come.. oh well.. thats life.. and what i've come to realize is that its the happy memories that keep me going.. no matter how it started or finished.. in the end.. its another memory to go in ur treasure chest..

A moment in time (06/06)

I sit,
by myself,
at peace,
mind clear,

The world turns,
I watch,
not left behind,
just a step back,

Coffee in my tummy,
cigarette in my hand,
a comfy chair,
the world is right,

No thought of yesterday,
none of tomorrow,
this is peace,
this moment in time.

A choice to be made.. (06/06)

Sitting here,
company of friends,
yet none felt,
somehow I feel alone,

Moments of clarity,
moments of comradeship,
fun,
bursts of melancholy,

Do I fit in,
the world continues turning,
in mysterious ways,
unpredictably delusional,

Life goes on,
go with it,
or get left behind,
the choice is mine.

Why won't you say? (04/06)

I know something's wrong,
but you won't say it,
I know something's wrong,
I can hear it,

why won't you say it?
your reason doesn't hold water,
why won't you say it?
what are you afraid of?

its not going to change how I see you,
how could it?
I'm not judging you,
I'm still knowing you,

and yet you still won't say?
you just change the subject,
I'm talking to you now,
but I'm not,

wish you would talk,
about what it doesn't matter,
just talk,
that's all I ask.

Silence (12/05)

Lying on my bed,
thoughts,
drifting through my head,
aimlessly purposeful,

Asking myself why,
silence,
twisted mind,
unlived fantasies,

Forbidden touch,
unquenchable thirst,
uncontrollable,
or control undesirable,

Lust,
desire,
parched lips,
no water moistens,

Jealousy absent,
why,
strangely enough,
silence,

No tears,
no shame,
no answers,
why such maddening,

SILENCE!

It's been a while (06/05)

It's been a while,
since I done this,
its been a while,
since I've thought of this,

Thought I left it behind,
buried in the past,
copies destroyed,
hardcopies and soft,

Never thought,
I would feel this again,
who do I have to thank?
no one but you,

Funny,
how it kept tryin to slip out,
each time,
held it back,

Why? I don't know,
didn't feel like the first time,
cos I knew it wasn't,
maybe I was afraid,

Weird how things happen,
one minute I'm sitting next to you,
the next I'm starting to say,
I love you.

every journey begins with a single step...

well then, it appears that i've come to join the thousands if not millions of bloggers out there..

if you had asked me this question a year ago about posting my own private content, i seriously doubt i would have answered positively... then again i beleive that people change, while their innermost soul remains the same... naturally you would have to change, if not you'd make the same mistakes over and over again...

if you're wondering about the name, deluded sanity, maybe i'll tell you sometime...

this was supposed to be a group venture with a good friend of mine... CK... but i supposed we'll probably have seperate blogs yet linked together somehow... that is for a later time, our main purpose is to rekindle our writing habit... which has remained dormant for too long...

the way i see it, writing is therepeutic (is that spelled right?), not only can writing allow you to escape the confinements of this world we live in, but it also lets you to delve into your imagination... and writing is the same as art, in the sense that different readers see it in different perspectives, but then to argue this you would have to define art... i shall leave that subject and perhaps delve into it more in the future... who knows.. the wind just blows...

this blog will contain the stuff i write, that has grown or exploded in the depths of my own mind... its not a journal, i'm not going to relate to you every waking second of my life... you'll find things from essays to poems, that which i've written before... and shall write in the future...

please do leave your thoughts and comments, hisham specially you, and warez man if you ever see this then i'd appreciate your critical opinion as well... since the both of you are the most critical guys i know... so similar yet so different... hahaha

thats all for now... until my next post... i bid you a good journey in this extraordinary world of ours...